I am fully aware some of the points below will make me sound so old and some may well make me sound a little disgusting. I have a threenager… don’t judge me.
- You have constant back and neck ache from laying on the tiniest toddler bed (or the floor) whilst keeping one arm in the bed as comfort for your little one. Thank goodness for osteopaths.
- That bit of playdoh on the floor? Yeh, just kick that right under the sofa. (Same goes for biscuit crumbs or wotsit remnants).
- The place in which your child sits at the dinner table is now a different colour wood than the rest of the table because you have to use kitchen spray and wipes to get the ingrained porridge off of it.
- You say the words, “No stop, don't touch my wee wee!” as you do a stand up wee that your toddler thinks is a fountain that can be played with.
- You slowly die inside when the THIRD meal option you have so lovingly prepared is greeted with an awkward “No daddy, this is not what I ordered” face.
- Your right/left arm will have a bulging bicep from carrying your child whilst getting on with your day. I am now the one handed expert. Making tea, unloading the dishwasher, even hoovering... all one handed. It's amazing.
- Massive cliché, but there’s a reason for it, you will not be in a clean item of clothing for long. Muddy shoes, snotty noses, messy sticky fingers… i never put my shirt on for work until i am ready to leave the house.
- When you wake up at 5am because your body clock is so used to it after months of early wake ups but your child amazingly isn’t up yet! You actually contemplate getting up so you can shower and have a coffee in peace. But then you realise you’re an adult and you need sleep so you drop that ridiculous thought and go back to sleep only to be woken within 3 minutes.
- You love to shower and have baths with your little one, it saves on time and they love it too. But don't make the mistake of closing your eyes when shampooing your hair or else those little fingers will get all grabby and you'll be left screaming like a banshee whilst almost slipping over and breaking your neck!
- The play wrestling is all well and good. It's brilliant for bonding and getting out that energy. But you can guarantee you will either be headbutted in the nose, slapped in the face or kicked in the balls at least once every time! And for me, it's the balls. Always the bloody balls.
I think i should invest in a codpiece going forward...